MAN. I feel so much better. Its amazing how taking a few personal days off can really help your mental state. Being around people who care and pets was the best therapy. Its nice to just take a step back, evaluate everything and reset. Also, my dad has been sick and his cancer hasn’t been being cooperative so I needed to take care of him for a little bit, I also needed to see my parents. Its nice to be able to come home and cry to your mom when you feel so lost in the world. I used to feel embarrassed and almost ashamed for coming crawling back to my parents but family will always be there, even when no one else is there and I need some sort of consistency in my life and my mom is that. So it was nice. Also, this whole experience has taught me a lot once I pushed through the darkness and finally picked myself up off the ground. I’m still dealing with some emotional pain from different things but I’ll be fine. I owe it to myself to not let other peoples mistakes drag me down. Its not my job to try to be the parent that they never had. Its also not my job to carry the weight of others issues. We all have problems and if you can’t deal with them then don’t put it on me. I am establishing my boundaries and I’m not going to be someone who strives for other peoples happiness. I used to always want to please others but when people don’t return that gratitude then there’s no point. I am my own priority and I am an adult. I’ll do what I need to and you do what you need to. I’m not waiting around for anyone anymore. I’ve made some mistakes but its time I learn from there and become a stronger person. Just sometimes, you can only carry the weight of the world for so long. I’ve apologized for far too many things that weren’t my fault and now its time to stop. The people you are around when you are finding yourself really affect you, even if you don’t notice it and sometimes you become what is around you and a lot of the time, its not good. So its time to focus and stick to my guns. I’m not sorry. And I shouldnt have to be.

I guess it really is every man for himself in the real world. Its time that I learn to lick my wounds and move on. I need to learn to be alone because you really can’t count on anyone but yourself. And I don’t mean this in the whole “oh I’m going to be alone forever and never get married wah wah.” No I mean that people spend a good portion of their life alone, just like my sister in law said. I will be alone when I move out. When I start my new job and when I start big things in my life. Since I am having issues with real friends and since everyone seems to believe that I am just an emotional annoying person, I need to do my own thing. Because its up to me to be happy. But let’s get one things straight. My outbursts of emotion are not due to little petty issues. They are due to long periods of buildup from everyone and everything. I didn’t cry when I found out my dad has cancer and I don’t cry for my sister who is addicted to destructive drugs but I cry over the fact that no one understands and that no one cares too. That’s the real reason I get upset. But its time to get over that. I am a big girl and i can do this and whether you are with me or not, I will do this because I am done waiting for people. And I don’t need pity friends. Don’t talk to me because you feel obligated too. 

Its not the fact that I got dumped yesterday for no good reason, its the fact that I feel alone in a room full of people. I live at a university with over a thousand people and I feel invisible, Its the fact that I put my all into everything I do, into every person I date or become friends will and no one ever invests themselves back. I feel so empty and I just want to run away but yet I want to be held while I cry and scream until my throat is raw. College is supposed to be the time of your life and I feel so miserable. I am now an adult and I can’t run away from my problems cry to my mom. I have to turn around and face them even though I would rather sink into the ground. I just want to give up on everything.

How did I become so annoying? Apparently, I am the most annoying person ever because I feel like I have no friends. My best friend is off in Marine Bootcamp making a name for herself and I can’t talk to her except for a few letters here and there until May 10th, then she’s off living her life. She is making something out of herself while I am stuff in this little dorm room working on homework and trying to entertain myself and trying not annoy my roommate. I feel so trapped. This little room makes me want to throw myself at the wall. I want to be an adult so I won’t let myself go home that often but sometimes I feel like my relatives are my only friends right now because I seem to annoy everyone. Maybe its stress the makes me feel so alone but I hate this. This is exactly how I felt in high school. So alone because I was the “loser friend.” When will this stop? How do I even change this. Man, I just want out of college so I can start living my life as a crazy dog lady. I don’t want to seem like I’m ungrateful because I’m not. I am truly blessed but I can’t shake this feeling. My mom says being lonely is a state of mind. How the hell do I escape my mind?